Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
