the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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