Texts From Last Night

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  (917): View more from New York City

  im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out

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  (917): im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out http://tfl.nu/fsk9
  Replies (106) Good night (21458) Bad night (1244)
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  (614): View more from Ohio

  Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.

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  (614): Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid. http://tfl.nu/mefj
  Replies (38) Good night (7743) Bad night (1439)
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  (+34): View more from Spain

  what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30

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  (+34): what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30 http://tfl.nu/zswr
  Replies (7) Good night (914) Bad night (4148)
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  (832): View more from Houston, Texas

  I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.

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  (832): I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella. http://tfl.nu/jiup
  Replies (35) Good night (3210) Bad night (1697)
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  (917): View more from New York City

  Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.

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  (917): Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor. http://tfl.nu/lzwd
  Replies (10) Good night (3417) Bad night (1001)
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  (301): View more from Maryland

  And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble

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  (301): And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble http://tfl.nu/0x8g
  Replies (7) Good night (2451) Bad night (644)
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  (760): View more from California

  My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?

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  (760): My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going? http://tfl.nu/5t69
  Replies (9) Good night (1064) Bad night (1664)
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.

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  (412): You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ. http://tfl.nu/sfn0
  Replies (5) Good night (1424) Bad night (555)
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  (609): View more from New Jersey

  His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him

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  (609): His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him http://tfl.nu/rlb9
  Replies (6) Good night (1545) Bad night (554)
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  (937): View more from Ohio

  so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.

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  (937): so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency. http://tfl.nu/1ixd
  Replies (3) Good night (2061) Bad night (595)
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  (212): View more from New York

  Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight

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  (212): Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight http://tfl.nu/x45a
  Replies (1) Good night (608) Bad night (438)
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that

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  (203): so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that http://tfl.nu/ocbs
  Replies (0) Good night (774) Bad night (490)
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  (616): View more from Michigan

  He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.

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  (616): He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina. http://tfl.nu/qmnu
  Replies (9) Good night (898) Bad night (349)
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  (816): View more from Missouri

  He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.

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  (816): He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call. http://tfl.nu/jkpw
  Replies (3) Good night (297) Bad night (712)
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  (586): View more from Michigan

  I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you

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  (586): I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you http://tfl.nu/74zy
  Replies (1) Good night (281) Bad night (406)

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