Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
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She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
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so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.