literally had 100 drinks last night.
I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.