now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
Terrible. Enormous nipples with a small ring of boob on the outside. It looked like a tittie eclipse
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Randomize
