Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Randomize
