somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Randomize
