You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Randomize
