So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Randomize
