life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
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