i can't believe i had my finger in that
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
The 19 Strangest Things People Use To Get Off
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
These 25 Normal Couples Tried Porn Moves During Sex And It Ended Horribly
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.