You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
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i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
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Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.