Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Randomize
