I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
it was like his penis was on wheels.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Randomize
