hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
