So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
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