Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Randomize
