I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
BLOW JOB GIRL IS IN WALMART
Some people actually refer to her as Kaitlyn you know.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
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