Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
