My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
