There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Randomize
