No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
