Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Randomize
