Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
We need a shit load of segways right now
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
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