Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
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