Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
