i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
