But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
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