Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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