we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
