I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
