Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
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