Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
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He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
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I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
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