Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
Banned from zoo.
Again?
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
