Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
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