I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
