shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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