im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
