You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
