look no pants
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
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