My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
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