The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
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