About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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