i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
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