im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
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