I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
