just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
Randomize
