I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
