i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
Randomize
