My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I intend to get homeless drunk
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
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