grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
Randomize
