Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
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