Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
