rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
