haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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