im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
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