some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Randomize
