i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
Randomize
