i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Randomize
