my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Randomize
