I'm eating all of the evidence.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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