I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
