last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
