Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
