he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
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